my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
