he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
