just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
third nipple confirmed
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
