i think my tv is drunk
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
