i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
