sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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