I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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