oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
