I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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