I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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