My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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