Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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