I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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