I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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