ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Drunk is not a location!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
