when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
