i just had sex bonerless
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
