Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
