Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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