Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
did you just send me my own nude
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
