I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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