Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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