remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
