Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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