apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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