So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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