I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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