Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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