Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
