The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
