Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
