I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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