Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
