You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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