I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize