I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
