He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
