so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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