I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
