just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
