i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
