This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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