the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
