HIV tests are more positive than that guy
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
