Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize