im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
