so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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