You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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