I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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