i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize