my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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