so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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