I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
