I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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