dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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