Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
