Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize