You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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