I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Randomize
