So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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