He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
