I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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