I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
