Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
