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my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
