I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
