I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
