I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
