So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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